Too edgy for suburbia.

Every summer since I turned 14, I've worked at bakery/coffee shop type places, going through the whole teenage-minimum-wage-right-of-passage-yadda-yadda phase of my life. And every day I deal with frazzled moms who can't decide if they want regular or low-fat veggie cream cheese, and old men who think they can tease me for being a teen girl, and lots people who just generally do not know how to conduct themselves in public places. (Ray Romano comes in sometimes too, but OTHER THAN THAT, I swear, it sucks.) Today was tops, however, for I had the shit scared out of me at 7:15 a.m. upon helping a dude in a Metallica shirt who looked a little like this!!!!

And my mind was fucking blown! Rightfully so. Because here I was thinking I was way too edgy to stick around suburbia. Here I was, a girl who dyed her hair green while taking classes at Pratt in Brooklyn last summer, only to have my emerald locks hastily dyed back to brown within 12 hours of my return to suburbia. Why? Because the idea of witnessing my ~*crazy hair*~ being the most exciting part of someone's day made me feel nauseous. I loved my hair, but I truly wasn't seeking the extra attention. And knowing that people where assuming that I wanted the extra attention was enough to for me to just call the whole thing off. But what about Face Tats??? I'm allowed to question this guy's appearance, right? It's not like he had leprosy. I mean, this guy was totally normal otherwise, but at some point in his life he totally decided that he wanted to look that way. Which is why it was amazing to me that it took him so long to decide what he wanted to order this morning. And that he had to ask me what I'd recommend getting on his bagel. WHERE WAS I WHEN YOU WERE TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO DO THAT TO YOUR FACE?

I got over the initial shock soon enough, though. Then I started to think about the children. I mean, thank god there were no children, right? I'm 18, and I nearly peed myself. I started to think about it being 7:15, and I started to wonder if this guy had to plan his day around when it would be safest for him to show his tatted face in public. BUT THEN HE CAME BACK IN THE AFTERNOON! And the store was entirely filled with families! And I almost peed myself a second time! But, again, the guy chose to look this way. It's not leprosy, and he's not treating it like leprosy. I can only think of treating it like leprosy because I'm incapable of understanding why someone would willingly choose to tattoo his entire body with no exceptions, not even the facial region. I can only guess that if looked like that, I'd hide in my room all day. Oh wait...

But enough about Face Tats. Although I'd love to know what he does for a living. Or maybe not. ANYWAY, here are my top picks for "most realistic depictions of stressful suburban teenage hair-dying sessions":

4. Bliss' blue-haired beauty pageant debut in Whip It (2009).

3. Lane spent her single afternoon with neon purple hair at Rory's house on Gilmore Girls.

2. Enid's green hair was not understood as a "1977 original punk rock look" in Ghost World (2001).

1. Angela's Crimson Glow may seem like no big deal compared to the others on the list, but she gets first place for sticking with her color despite everyone's initial shock on My So-Called Life.

-Leah